Sometimes I wonder if depression is even my problem. We were studying entropy today and I wonder if my mind is just chaos most of the time with random bursts of lucidity. Tonight is one of my more sane nights. I’m looking at life and its in shambles. I take responsibility for nothing. I close my eyes and hope all my problems will go away. I mess up and I feel secure in the knowledge that my parents or other people will clean it up for me. I feel entitled to this safety net. I’m going to be 22 but I’m still just a child. I can’t stop mourning an adolescence that I can never bring back. I feel entitled to be able to have it. I feel entitled to those carefree teenage years free of abuse, torture and rape. Trying to accept that they won’t come back, that I just have to live without them and just start afresh as an adult makes me bitter.
I can’t stay on this path of trying to create the childhood I didn’t have. Its not possible, it won’t ever happen. I’ll just be stuck in a futile struggle for a small piece of my life and loose ever experiencing the rest of it. Life dealt me some really bad cards, but its either swim or drown.
